Women in particular seem to be really good at meeting everybody else’s needs and ignoring their own. Who has never cancelled a doctor’s appointment, because someone else in their family is sick? Now that check up has to wait until you can find another time, but when will that be? That peaceful time you planned to read a book, work in the garden, have a coffee with a friend, suddenly disappears when somebody else has an urgent problem that only you can fix. Of course you say yes!
So you end up with a feeling of having no time for yourself, which can lead to resentment, frustration and never getting the important things (to you) done. What can you do?
1. Firstly acknowledge you can’t do everything. You need to focus on your priorities not everybody else’s and you need to acknowledge it’s okay to put yourself first.
2. It is not selfish to put yourself first. Imagine you are like a car. Would you drive your car and never put petrol in it? Do you expect your car to run for ever without being maintained? As humans we need to fill our car with petrol on a regular basis - this is your own self-care. We need our routine maintenance regularly - this is time out, a holiday or doing something entirely for you. By doing so, your car runs much better and you know you can rely on it. Put yourself first and you are much better able to meet others’ needs. As they say on the aeroplane, put your own mask on first before helping others.
3. You can’t please everyone so don’t even try. In trying to please everyone else you won’t please yourself and that’s where the frustration and resentment comes in.
4. Think of all the things that you say yes to when you really want to say no. What if you starting saying yes to your priorities, rather than others? Saying yes to having my time, saying yes to self-care, saying yes to a more balanced healthy life, saying yes to maintaining your own self-esteem and sanity.
5. There are lots of tactics that people use to get you to say yes to their priorities which rob you of your time. Learn about these and you will have a way to deal with it before it even happens.
· People use bullying, getting you to do what they want to do through being aggressive or threatening;
· Others whine and whinge and because you can’t stand it any longer you say yes to shut them up;
· Still others try to make you feel guilty because you are not meeting their needs and are not being a good friend, worker, mother or partner;
· And finally the sneakiest of all, is the person who complements you. They start by telling you how amazing you are at something and then ask you for help with the task. Falling for flattery and praise, then giving into their priorities, simply means you have given away your power.
6. Learn to say NO. Lots of people have trouble with this because of the above points. However practising makes it much easier. Try:
· Use a calm voice and be firm and clear. If you are emotional or upset, the other person will sense your weakness and try to exploit you.
· Be assertive in your body language. Stand up tall, make eye contact, and don’t fidget
· Never apologise. Saying I’m sorry too much makes you sound much less assertive. Try saying “thank you for asking and I am unable to help you on this occasion” using and rather than but is often easier.
· Don’t make excuses and don’t tell stories about why you can’t help them. You will get caught out every time!
· Offer the person some other choices. “I can’t help you today, however I have some time on Monday” or “ I know Bill is interested in that topic, have you asked him?”
Remember, only you claim your time and step into your own power! Enjoy your time and make the most of it.
It’s Spring! (Bear with me if you live in the northern hemisphere. The message will still be here for you.)
Most people love spring and all the new growth and regeneration that it signifies. Bulbs burst forth, flowers bloom, the grass is a vibrant green and trees get new leaves. The weather gets a little warmer; you can shed your coat and start to wear brighter colours. Everywhere around you are the visible signs of renewal and positivity.
As humans we are easily inspired by what we see in nature around us. Have you ever heard anyone say, “I hate a beautiful garden or countryside vista?” We rush into the garden, wanting to plant new things, enjoy the blossoming of flowers and trees and accept the good feelings that come with this visible change in the seasons.
I love spring, (well actually more correctly, I love to see the signs of the end of winter) and I am amongst the first to want to engage in activities for growth and renewal. I am always open to change, and I am energized by the prospect of new things. I love to plant new flowers and plants in the garden. I love a good workshop or training on a new area I am keen to learn about.
This keenness to focus on my new growth was no more evident than in my decision to focus fully on life coaching, running workshops and retreats in order to engage and help women in midlife in another way besides one to one counselling. There was plenty of room for growth, change and for the signs of blossoming by me making a tweak to my service to others.
However, I had been talking about doing this more for at least two years, and not much had changed! What really made the difference was when I publicly declared that I would no longer take any new counselling clients after 30 June 2016. This was commitment to myself, and a public announcement that I was ceasing one thing, in order to do another. Now my work planning, development and preparation, as well as the activities I am offering, are focused on this new way of enabling others. People now can hear my message that I work with women in midlife to enable them to reinvent themselves, in order to grow and blossom in their lives.
The key here is that I needed to be clear about what I was letting go of, removing from my life in order to move forward for new growth and change. While I kept accepting new counselling clients, I made sure that there was not enough room or time to build the new services through life coaching, workshops and retreats. I was self-sabotaging my best intentions.
Just as the gardener needs to do some preparatory work in autumn and winter to enable to garden to blossom in spring, by clearing, pruning, working the soil and then finally planting, I too needed to do some clearing and preparation before I could fully commit to my new work and service to others. I needed to let the old stuff go, to make room for the new.
Are you ready to grow and blossom in your life? Whilst it is important to look at what you can add into your life, it is also essential to know what you need to let go of, clear out or prune. Maybe, like me it is saying yes to too many people, taking on other people’s responsibilities, or overcommitting yourself. It is vital to know how you want your garden to look, before you plant, but you also need to know what dead, tired and unproductive growth needs to go.
Take a look, clear your mind, body and spirit to make room for new renewal in your life. Then create the vision for the future you want.
Want to be clear about your future and passions? Come to my Passion Test Workshop on 9 October 2016. Click here http://www.andreafisher.com.au/passion-test-workshop-2/ .
Hope you can share this journey of change with me
2015 was a year of significant change for me. The second half of 2014 and early 2015 were made up of significant challenges and stressful events. As a result I got to the point where I recognised the need to address this urgent situation and create significant change. As this time of the year is always a time for reflection, and planning for the future, I thought you might be interested in some of the things I did to create an opportunity to Reawaken and Review my life.
Torquay, Victoria, November 18-20, 2016
“From Surviving to Thriving”
A TRANSFORMATIONAL WEEKEND RETREAT FOR WOMEN
RESERVE YOUR PLACE – REGISTER NOW
WHAT IS SURVIVING TO THRIVING?
Since becoming a transformational life Coach, Andrea has wanted to create a retreat weekend by the sea would serve as the catalyst where women will meet other women who may have become dormant, and are seeking their purpose and direction to uncover the strategies, relationships and support they need. This enables them to rapidly identify the new lives they want and create the change they crave.
Surviving to Thriving Weekend 2016, is the culmination of that dream. It will bring together a small group of women in the middle of life, who are ready to let go of their limiting past and create change. It will be a two-day journey in optimising every aspect of their lives to create a fulfilling future. The weekend will commence on Friday evening of November 18 and conclude Sunday afternoon 20 November 2016.
Engage with your retreat leader, Andrea Fisher, who will transform the way you think about your own personal growth and development.
RETREAT LEADER, ANDREA FISHER.
Andrea is an experienced and qualified life coach, counsellor and group facilitator and trainer. She loves to challenge women to move beyond their expectations to create new opportunities. Andrea will be assisted by Amanda Alexander ……..
WHAT WILL WE DO?
Surviving to Thriving Retreat Weekend 2016 will be a fun, enjoyable and invaluable experience for a small group of women taking place over two full days in beautiful Torquay on the surf coast of Victoria, Australia.
Each day will be made up of engaging, reflective and hands on activities, with opportunities to relax and make new friends. The weekend is designed to take you on a step-by-step journey to help you identify how you would like your life to look, what is lacking, and how to overcome the things that hold you back in order to create and live the life you hope for.
Friday 18 November
6PM onwards: Registration and Settling in
7 PM: Welcome and Introductions. Group expectation and norms.
Saturday 19 November
8 AM: Self-Service Breakfast
9AM: What are you REALLY looking for?
10.30AM: Coffee/Tea Break. Stretch your Legs
11AM: What Gets in the Way?
1PM: Free time for reflection, walking, enjoying the beach, or a coffee in one of the many cafes in the local area
3.30PM: Program Resumes. Clearing, cleansing and declutter
8PM: Short evening program
Sunday 20 November
8AM: Self-Service Breakfast
9AM: What Could Life Look Like?
10.30AM: Coffee/Tea Break
11AM: How Do I Get There?
12 Noon: Lunch
1PM: What Does the Future Look like for Me?
2.30PM: Where to from Here?
*** All times are indicative only and are subject to change according to the needs of the group participants.
The retreat will be held in a private relaxing home in central Torquay, fully equipped with several bedrooms, sea views and an outdoor spa for your relaxation. The beach and shops are about a 10-15 minute walk away.
The Retreat Venue
A bonus for the first six people to register! Simple bed and breakfast style accommodation will be included free of charge at the retreat venue, for the first six people to book. OR
Local Hotels or Airbnb
If you are not in the first 6 to book, you can organise your own accommodation at your expense at local hotels, motels or through booking agencies such as Airbnb. Contact Andrea for a discount code for Airbnb. There is a wide diversity of accommodation in Torquay OR
If you live locally you may prefer to attend as a Day Attendee and sleep in your own bed! You will receive all sessions, resources and meals.
WHAT BENEFITS WILL YOU GAIN FROM THE RETREAT?
Time out in a beautiful part of the surf coast of Victoria will give you the chance to clear your head, enjoy the beach, and leave renewed in body mind and spirit having enjoyed time away from your usual demanding routine.
You will have time for reflection, and to let go of old unhelpful beliefs which no longer serve you well, leaving space for mental clarity.
You will develop a clear picture of how you would like your future to look, and can develop a practical strategy to put it into place.
You will meet new women who are on a similar journey of exploration and renewal, and gain support in knowing you are not alone.
You can enjoy simple healthy food, fun and laughter.
Finally, you can take valuable steps towards moving from simply surviving you really THRIVING in your life.
Includes, FREE B & B style accommodation for the first six people to register, all sessions, all retreat materials, all meals, and a bonus retreat goodies bag.
Includes all sessions, all meals, all retreat materials and the bonus retreat goodies bag.
Day Attendee: Price is dependent on date of registration as above. Earlybird $397, and normal $457.
Includes all sessions, all meals, all retreat materials and the bonus retreat goodies bag.
Ready to secure your place?
How do I get there?
Torquay is 1.5 hours easy drive from Melbourne. There is a train service to Marshall, just past Geelong, and a bus service to Torquay. If you are flying in, there is a connecting bus service from Tullamarine to Geelong and the Surf Coast.
Where can I park at the retreat?
There is limited off street parking and plenty of on street parking.
Is there a dress code?
Where comfortable casual clothes and bring walking shoes if you would like to take advantage of the several beaches nearby of which to walk and enjoy the fresh air. As the wind can be fresh I suggest layers of clothing, and a light jacket can be useful.
What if I have special dietary needs?
The food at the retreat will be simple, largely self-serve food. Vegetarians will be catered for. If you have any other special dietary needs, please contact me before to discuss this.
What is the cancellation policy?
As this is a small intimate retreat, it is likely that the places will fill quickly. In order to gain your commitment I need to be firm about the cancellation policy, so that others do not miss out unnecessarily. If you cancel more than a month before you will get your full fee back, less a $50 administration fee. Less than a month’s notice of cancellation, you will lose 50%. Less than a week you will lose your full fee.
Do I need to share a room or bathroom?
As this is a private home not all the rooms are ensuite. There are some rooms with one bed and some with two. The first to book will be offered a room to themselves, and then the shared rooms will be offered. Everybody will share the two bathrooms. If you would like to share a room with a friend please advise me when booking.
If your own room with ensuite is essential, I suggest you book accommodation nearby.
Any other questions?
Please feel free to contact me to discuss any question you may have and to arrange a payment plan.
Telephone 0409 180 880
Just what is this Manifesting or Law of Attraction hype you and I have been seeing?
Well, it basically means thinking about what you really want and making it happen. It is a simple technique you can apply to bring success (however you define it) into your life – health, wealth, abundance, happiness, freedom which includes everyday important goals that you and I want to achieve.
For example, some time ago I was coaching a client who had decided to apply for an employment position she had really wanted for some years. My client knew she could do this job, but previously she had not been given the opportunity to prove this.
My client (Let’s call her Suzy) conducted all the research she could about this job, the employer and the statutory requirements which impacted on this position then, duly wrote her application letter and addressed the required key selection criteria and mailed it off.
All the time Suzy was preparing this, she kept repeating to herself “this is my job, this is my job”. During the waiting time, she completed further research on this job, all the while repeating “this is my job” then, she received an email informing me that her application was successful and had moved on to the interview stage.
Then, self doubt struck. She says she thought…. “do I really want this? Could I do this? Of course I could, I had gotten this far hadn’t I?” Then Suzy had to collect all her self doubts and throw them away. Positive thinking came to the forefront. She took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, held her head high and walked forward with confidence.”
So, again Suzy repeated her mantra: “this is my job, I can do this and do it well” was repeated over and over again. The interview went extremely well, so well that she got “her dream job”.
Can you see the processes Suzy followed to make it happen?
What I am telling you here, is that you need to set goals, start off with smaller ones at first if you are not sure, then as you achieve these, grow to bigger and better things.
All the hype tells us that you have to think long and hard about what you want and where you want to be and it will happen.
But, what will actually happen, will you still be wishing and hoping for what you wanted?
You – yes you, have to actually go out and do something about it. The adage “all good things come to those who wait” has to become: “all good things come to those who go out and make it happen.”
Don’t just sit back and rest, you could be sitting on that rock for a long time.
I actually journal the process to get there, plan it out. What do I want? To get there, work out the steps that you need to make to get yourself to the point where there is even the slightest possibility of it happening. Cross off each small step as you achieve it and give yourself a pat on the back for getting there.
Then, and this is the big one, once you are at that point, what do you need to do to actually make it happen – to bring it to fruition?
Again, put your goal on a piece of paper and plan the final stages of the journey to get there.
Surround yourself with like minded people who can buoy your efforts and keep sustaining the momentum. It is very easy to shrug your shoulders and give up when nothing happens straight away.
Don’t become disheartened, some people never even get to the stage of planning anything. They just sit and moan that nothing good ever happens in their life.
Manifesting is more about the process to get there, a sense of self achievement in crossing off the tiny steps. It may not always work straight away as there are other influences which may impact on this. Don’t be afraid to revisit your goal and adjust it somewhat, especially in the early days of trying out this technique.
Are you willing to give it a go?
My first hint is to clear your mind from distractions, sit quietly and think about what you would like to manifest.
Please let me know if you need any assistance with this. We can organise a coaching session via skype or phone. Or, just give it a try keeping in mind these positive thoughts here:
8 THINGS TO GIVE UP
– Doubting Yourself
– Negative Thinking
– Fear of Failure
– Criticising Yourself and Others
– Negative Self Talk
– Fear of Success
– People Pleasing
Reaching Beyond Adversity
It is easy to believe that you can’t Reach Your Potential because of some adversity that may have happened in your life. You may have experienced a significant loss early in life such as the death of a loved one or major disruption through divorce of your parents. Many people will remember having to move house as a child and having to leave friends behind, and possibly the difficult time you had in re-establishing a friendship group in your new location.
I have worked with many clients who have been unfortunate enough to have been abused as children through physical, emotional or sexual abuse. This has obviously left significant scars and has resulted in the person concerned needing or choosing to seek individual supportive therapy to work through the impact of these issues. They will never know what life might have been like if they had not experienced this trauma or adversity early in life. Recent scientific research is showing that the development of the brain can be significantly impaired by early childhood trauma. But the good news is the neuro-plasticity of the brain allows repair work to be done through positive experiences and personal relationships later in life. It would be easy for the individual to give up and say that it is all too hard, and they will always be “like this”.
But this attitude means the challenging situation or adverse situation can become an excuse, not a reason for never quite making the highest standard you would love to set for yourself. It could be the excuse for never taking on a new experience where we do not have total confidence that we will succeed. It could prevent you from learning a new skill which could open a whole new set of doors in life.
Trying a new thing is uncomfortable by its very nature. A challenge is a challenge for that very reason. It takes us beyond our comfort zone and into the area of risk, where we may fail. But if we don’t experience some failure or lack of success, then we probably are not trying hard enough. There are very few new skills that everybody gets right the first time. Trying a new experience and not making it teaches valuable things. Discovering you hate a new experience is a valuable thing to learn. I vividly remember trying to learn to ski with spectacular lack of success. I tried a few more times, continuing to fail to master the skills required for me to even look mediocre on the slopes! Eventually I chose to pursue other interests but the experience was invaluable in helping me decide where my interests really lay and to understand why I thought I should try.
Most of us have watched young children start to take their first steps. None of them ever have complete success on the first attempt, beyond one, two or maybe three steps. The child invariably falls over and possibly cries. But parents don’t say “You can’t do that so don’t try again.” They pick the child up, encourage them to try again and continue to do so into the future. Eventually they learn to walk, and then to run! So it is with us as adults.
Marie Forleo reminds us, “Your past does not equal your potential”.
Marie runs an online course called B-School. The school has been reviewed in the past as teaching more about business than many postgraduate MBA courses in university. I have enrolled in the upcoming course because I have a vision to transform my business from working mainly in face-to-face counselling where I can only help one person at a time, to running a lot more workshops, conferences, retreats and online courses to be able to reach and work with lots more people. This requires a specific skill set, and my past attempts have not been spectacularly successful. In addition I have had my own personal experiences of adversity and trauma, which I sometimes used in days gone by as excuses to keep me stuck as a victim of my experience. Fortunately I grew beyond that and have now reached a much higher potential than I did prior to the adversities.
So in the interests of promoting a more positive future for both myself and you, I’m going public on my plans and my willingness to take a risk. I know I have the potential to do it and I am engaging with the best through Marie Forleo and Leonie Dawson to gain the skills and the support to get there. Going public in your intention is one of the first steps towards success.
I challenge you to do the same. So take a realistic step today towards the potential you KNOW you can reach. The first step doesn’t have to be big. You just need to take it.
Why don’t you report below in the comments what your first step is going to be and let us know how you get on? You can be guaranteed of support from me in your journey to Reach Your Potential.
It’s funny isn’t it to think about what gets us moving to get things done? I’m tired today but it feels like a ‘good’ tired. And why? Well, it comes from working hard to get something done by a deadline. I was getting my house ready to be photographed to be advertised to sell. We all live happily in our homes amongst clutter and normal family living – but when we sell, it seems the norm is we try to make our homes look like it has first made an appearance in Home Beautiful. So my bevy of activity was about de-cluttering, extra cleaning, washing windows and finally shoving the last vestiges of untidiness into cupboards before my refuge is displayed to the world on a real estate website.
So now, the photos are done and we just need to pretend that we live like this all the time – or at least until someone is sufficiently besotted to want to make an amazing offer!
Was I stressed? You bet I was! But it felt like some manageable stress. That is, it was short term, with a specific deadline and had clear and specific benefits to me. I felt satisfied that I had done the best job I could.
I can’t help but contrast this with the type of stress some people experience in everyday life. When we have constant stress – through work, family, relationships, financial or other ongoing issues – it can feel that we are on constant hyper-alert, or hyper-vigilance. The disadvantage of this is that the body has to deal with the stress hormones released naturally by our bodies when we are feeling under threat. This is the fight/flight mode – a hangover from our cave man days. Along came the wild animal to attack us – our body released adrenalin and we were ready to fight the threat or run away to keep safe.
Fast forward to 2014. If we are constantly threatened by psychological threats, rather than physical, our body still releases the hormones. We try to fight the threat – but we can’t always run away. This can lead to physical illness, burnt out, compassion fatigue (a lack of empathy for others) and a myriad of other concerns.
The solution? I know you’ve heard it all before – but it is simple really – GOOD SELF CARE!
Acknowledge that life can be stressful and take active steps to limit, reduce or eliminate the things that cause you to feel threatened and want to fight or flee. Be realistic – do you really need that thing or person if you feel constantly drained? Is the benefit of that job, relationship or activity far outweighing the costs? Does that habit of smoking or drinking too much, outweigh the health costs? And if you can’t reduce the threat or stress – then be sure to have some pretty good strategies for self care to manage the impacts.
Would you like to know more and do a self evaluation of the impact of stress on your life? It can affect you physically emotionally cognitively and behaviorally.
Want to know more about stress and how to manage it? Grab a copy of my free report,
The 7 Keys to Understanding Stress and How to Avoid It by signing up above right on this page.